Back in 2002, South Park created a fantastic episode called “Free Hat”, where the boys started a club called “Save Films from their Directors”. They set out to prevent the likes of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas from tampering and perpetually wrecking their classic films with the latest CGI or making them more PC. Now, I am an avid South Park fan and enjoy almost every episode but this one really struck a chord with me.
The first time I watched Star Wars was on my Dad’s VHS tapes which he bought as soon as they were released, meaning that these were the genuine originals. So today, when I attempt to re-watch this classic trilogy (because fuck the prequels) all that’s available is the super, definitive, ball-busting limited-edition, which has more special effects than James Cameron’s biopic on Michael Bay.
While yes, the special effects of the originals were dated and perhaps warranted a slight touch up by today’s standards, the lengths Lucas has gone to in order to perfect every last speck, spark and pixel is beyond a joke.
However, in light of recent events, Lucas is naught but a juvenile delinquent when you compare him with the act of terror ITV has committed. The network that has served a as a vessel to bring Keith Lemon and The Only Way is Essex into your home, in their all their infinite wisdom, decided that the world needed a reboot of the cult-classic, irreplaceable institution that is Thunderbirds. Like a catholic priest drunk on communion wine, ITV have pinned my childhood down and forcefully rammed their syphilis-ridden cock into it.
What baffles me is just how fucking unnecessary this reboot is. Thunderbirds aired 26 years before I was even born yet I still adored it as a child. I didn’t need the latest animation technology to grab my attention as I was so amazed by the whole concept of the show. Well, that and the explosions. The characters, the storyline, all tied together with imaginative and cool-as-fuck machines; nothing can, nor ever will, top the original Thunderbirds.
So what have ITV done? Well, they fired up the ‘ol Mac and redone the whole fucking thing in CGI. Oh sure, animating the characters on a computer is cheap and easy, plus you can get them to express all kinds of emotions and even walk properly. Ironically though, despite the puppets’ ability to display only 1 of 3 emotions, they had infinitely more charm and charisma than these gaudy, soulless, crotchless mannequins. Look at them for fucks sake; they look like a straight-to-DVD, generic-as-fuck kid’s film about five pre-teens who start a boy-band that was produced by North Korea’s answer to Pixar.
Not all reboots are shit though, just look at Doctor Who. With today’s technology and gifted writers the infinite universe that can be explored through Doctor Who was just begging to be remade. This argument simply cannot be applied to the Thunderbirds reboot though. The whole reason why Thunderbirds is so amazing is because of its lack of computer graphics. Even without this vital tool, Gerry Anderson created believable and exciting stories with just puppets and hand-made explosions. It’s something that will never be done again and by that merit, something that should be preserved. (Yes, I know Team America did a thing with puppets but that doesn’t count because they explicitly stated how much they hated working with them).
What makes this reboot EVEN MORE STUPID AND POINTLESS AND SHIT, ahem, sorry… is that ITV have already tried to reboot one of Gerry Anderson’s classic shows and they faaaaaaaaailed. They failed SO HARD. In 2005, ITV spent £23 Million on Gerry Anderson’s New Captain Scarlet, making it the most expensive children’s show in British history. It was a complete and utter disaster of a show that couldn’t entertain the kids or even engage with the parents on a nostalgia level. Both my Dad and I grew up on Captain Scarlet and it broke our collective hearts when we watched this utter monstrosity. That was also the first time I heard my dad say the word “Shit”. True Story.
So not only have ITV failed to learn from their IDIOTIC and CRIPPLING mistakes but they are also lining themselves up for an even bigger fall. That’s right, they have recruited the help of Pukeko Pictures and Weta Workshop which worked on Jackson’s epic Lord of the Rings and Hobbit trilogies, which aren’t exactly cheap. Plus, they’ve decided to piss away even more money on a star studded cast with Rosamund Pike as Lady Penelope and some kid from Game of Tits doing one of the Tracy kids, I dunno which, it was hard to read through the tears.
This may read as an old man tutting as his TV whilst spluttering “Kids TV these days! It was better back in my day!” so let me make this clear, that is not the case at all. My gripe is over the fact they are rebooting Thunderbirds, a show very dear to my heart, for no good reason other than “why not”. Kids are not interested in Thunderbirds as we saw with the 2004 film that was an utter flop and the 2005 Captain Scarlet fiasco. Kids like the original because of the novelty of the puppets, the fact there are real explosions going on and the exciting storylines that don’t patronise kids, but thrill them. So instead of pouring all this cash into a flawed project that will NEVER work, they should be investing in a creative team, one who can create shows that kids will enjoy. There are some spectacular examples of children’s TV around today with the likes of Adventure Time and The Amazing World of Gumball, so ITV should be motivated to create a show of their own.
But history will repeat itself and this reboot is doomed to fail. Ever since ITV put on ads during Pokémon they have consistently and effectively ruined my childhood. Fuck you ITV, you un-original, short-sighted, classic-defiling, amnesia-inflicted, childhood-ruining wankers.
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