Look out your window, what do you see? If it’s anything like my view then you’ve got a depressingly grey sky whilst the people down below try and have a thing called ‘festive cheer’. No one wants to focus on the grim side of the season, so instead lets take ourselves back to the summer. If you know me then you’ll know I spent two months in Japan this summer (where we as 7bit also shot this store session with Mayu Wakisaka). Japan is an amazing place and it was certainly a fantastic experience. However. There was a song. In every city, in every shop, there was a song. I didn’t know what this song was called but I certainly knew who was behind it: AKB48.
Now I’ve written about AKB48 before, namely the member of the supergroup that shaved her head and made a video begging for forgiveness. Her crime being having a boyfriend. AKB is big bucks in Japan. Shops in Akihabara – the geek capital of Tokyo – are filled with their CDs and merchandise, hell one shop was dedicated to just selling photos of them. They have a theatre where they perform pretty much every day. Now it’s pretty impressive to think that a band would perform every day, but less impressive when you take into account that AKB48 is split into different teams. Not every team is involved with every single. So if you go to the theatre expecting to see the lead of the bands’ new single, you’ll be disappointed and it’ll be an array of the lower rung members – those who can’t be trusted to be part of a single yet. May sound like I’m being harsh or just being an idiot, but take into consideration that AKB48 technically has 143 members. About 20 to 40 actually perform in singles.
So, back to the song. Annoyingly for me it was a catchy song. I’d walk down the street and hear it, leading me to instantly hum. It was the perfect mixture of an upbeat summertime jam with female vocals that I couldn’t understand. After all, I don’t speak Japanese. So who knows what the lyrics could’ve said! A couple of weeks ago the Japanese Music Industry (Oricon) revealed the year’s biggest sellers. AKB48 took up several spots in the top ten, with the number one biggest selling single being a track called ‘Labrador Retriever’. Putting the name into Youtube I found a multi-million viewed music video for it. I clicked it and instantly, within 30 seconds, I was transported back to the streets of Tokyo. This was it! This was the song! And look, the video has English translated lyrics! Wait. Wait, why is that happening. Hold on. Wait what. Oh. Oh. OHHH.
This video broke me. Please take a few minutes to watch it.
So that’s certainly a video, mm? Let’s discuss it blow by blow. We begin by seeing a large American woman in a kitchen. Not exactly the sign of beauty that idol groups like AKB want to display. Then we see one of AKB’s members asleep in a bed. That’s more their style. We warp into the girls dream and see her having some summertime fun. Dancing in a bikini on a beach, eating a hot dog and singing. The lyrics talk of playing with the titular Labrador retriever, with a Labrador walking past different groups of the girls. Also note, for some reason whenever the Labrador walks past a little fart animation is behind him. Why is this dog farting so much?
About half way in we see the American woman once again pouring out a bowl of food for the sleeping girl. The food is named ‘Adult Formula Dog Food’. This is where it all begins to get weird. One group of girls looks at the Labrador and notices that it’s wearing a locket. The same locket as the sleeping girl. They decide to follow. The whole group chases the dog to the beach, where the band is performing. But. The group of girls ARE the band. They are looking at THEMSELVES. All gets tense. Are these clones? Are they simulants? No. No, they’re something different. They’re dogs. The girls literally just turn into dogs.
As an implied chorus of ‘Kawaii~’ is screamed out, the dogs run to their respective, well not owner, human clones? The dogs and humans hug, but then we see the dogs as their human selves again as they dance around their human counterpart and lick their face. Wouldn’t be an idol video without a segment of implied lesbianism to keep the men’s interest up. So the video ends with the sleeping girl awakening, looking towards a dog on the floor and then barking. You may be asking yourself ‘What the fuck does that mean?’. I don’t have any answers for you. Because if she was a dog, why would she have a full sized bed?
Now I’ve not touched on the lyrics much, because I had the whole ‘the women are dogs’ thing to get out first, but the lyrics are certainly a concern. Whilst on the surface they’re light and fluffy and talk of having fun at summer, there’s a key subtext. The focus of the song is always about the Labrador, so why does the chorus talk of embracing and sharing their first kiss? I’m sure AKB don’t really want to kiss a dog, so lets look for the meaning behind this. Labradors are loyal dogs. The fans of AKB48 are loyal. Therefore, the titular Labrador Retriever is you: the fan who has gone out and bought all the singles and even shook the band members’ hands once. Now lets share our first kiss (although not really because why would they want to kiss you)
That’s the thing with AKB48 and with all other idol groups. They’re not just selling a single. They’re selling hope. False Hope. Idol groups are not primarily for girls, regardless of their music style. They are for young (and old) men who have disposable income. Young girls don’t have cash, they can’t buy the five different versions of the single and all their merchandise. But those guys who spend 12,000 yen on a model of a maid showing her cleavage and/or bum can easily spend it on them instead. Especially when a video is showing a troupe of bikini clad girls on the young spectrum talking about having their first kiss with someone. Much like the old National Lottery adverts; it’s basically a giant finger in the sky saying “It Could Be You!”
It’s clearer in other videos. Take a look at AKB48’s other popular uploads, such as the almost 112 million views for their track Heavy Rotations. In this video, AKB48 strips into lingerie, lies around on the floor in said lingerie talking amongst each other. Later on they bathe together. Later on still two of the members kiss each other. The lyrics consist of how they need you and how they love you. Not a general you, but YOU. You the person listening, the person watching. The person who pays their wages. By the way AKB48 members are usually aged between 14 and 21.
It also mentions meeting you. Sort of like at one of them hand shake events that the single almost definitely had a ticket for (if you bought enough copies). The video for Heavy Rotations is genuinely quite disturbing. It’s now four years old and made when AKB48 wasn’t a Japanese household name. It’s back when they still needed to create that Otaku audience, meaning plenty of cosplay, lots of fan service and the general cutesy-ness which has been ripped straight out of an anime. An anime that would quickly turn into a crime novella once their fanbase got involved.
From outside the fandom you can see why this is their most watched video; It’s Transparent as Fuck. If you were a Japanese guy then who are you going to give your money to?
A. A Rock group who did an anime theme
B. A Ballad Singing Pop Artist, like Ayumi Hamasaki
C. A troupe of young girls who kiss each other in a video that you can buy on DVD alongside the CD single
I don’t think it’s sexist to say that C is the winner. As the old phrase goes: Sex Sells. Japan is a country where you can hire a girl to walk around shops with you in cosplay for a couple of hours, or pay for a girl to stare into your eyes in a cuddle café, or even just pay for cute omelets drawn by a girl in a maids dress. If you’re a man with cash, but no skills with the ladies, then you’re covered. You can still have (what you think is) a meaningful relationship. It’s just that when it comes to idols, they’re a stranger who you may never meet and they will never remember you. Unless you stab them at a meet and greet, much like what happened this year when the hands of two members of AKB48 were sliced up by someone at a meet and greet.
That is Japan. A part of it, anyway. The country I’ll soon be calling home.
(That bit isn’t a joke; I am literally emigrating in the New Year)
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